I Shouldn’t Have To! —Why doing the things you shouldn’t have to is usually the smart choice
“I shouldn’t have to do this!” — How many times does this phrase cross your lips, or at least your mind, in any given week?
It’s a frustrating feeling isn’t it?
You feel like you have to do something whilst simultaneously feeling like you shouldn’t have to. It’s a classic case of expectations not being met. And it’s the most important set of expectations being cast aside…your expectations.
I come across this phrase both at home and work, fairly frequently. Sometimes it’s my expectations not being met, sometimes it’s me not meeting someone else’s (unrealistically high, obviously) expectations. Sometimes it is said out loud, other times it is being screamed silently inside whilst I’m being given the patented death stare from my long suffering wife.
Let me provide a few examples to help visualise the sorts of thing I’m talking about.
A Turtle Disaster
This weekend, we were enjoying a board game as a family (Harry Potter Hogwarts Battle — Monster Box of Monsters expansion, thanks for asking) when we were interrupted by our dog acting a little eccentrically outside — darting from side to side, lunging and squeaking — generally looking a bit confused and excited. We went outside and found a rather lost turtle (turtles are very much not a species one often finds in the United Kingdom suburbs). Unfortunately it was not teenage, mutant or ninja trained(a quick body search for nunchucks came up empty). It was however, pretty inconvenient.
“Great!” I thought, “some selfish person can’t look after their pet and now I have to deal with it…I shouldn’t have to do this!”. But, with the only alternative being to open the gate and send it on it’s shuffling way, we put it in a box and consulted the experts. And by that I mean, we posted on a local Facebook group asking what the hell we should do with it.
As with the majority of social media interactions, my frustration, was not helped by some of the replies my request for advice received (One such gem… “Is there a pond nearby, it probably came from there” — Really? Thanks! There was me thinking it dropped from the sky!) But after multiple Google searches and phone calls later, we found a rescue centre to take the little guy, dropped him off and was left with a feeling of having done the right thing, even if it had disrupted our afternoon.
The above example, is perhaps not an everyday occurrence. It is also an example of a situation which is resolved at the first attempt and won’t come up again (if three more turtles and a rat turn up, I’ll let you know). But how about a recurring situation?
The Repeat Offender
As a Project Manager, I’m big on agreeing actions and associated deadlines with my team. When doing so, it is my expectation that the team adhere to the deadline to complete the action. But of course, there are times when this doesn’t happen, for whatever reason. Clashing priorities, unforeseen issues, whatever it might be, sometimes even with the best intentions, deadlines pass. And there are of course some people who seem to be victim to these unforeseen issues more than others. I’m not an unreasonable person (no matter what you may have heard), so I recognise that this is going to happen occasionally. But my expectation is that if a deadline is going to be missed, then the person responsible lets me know so we can assess the impact of the delay and agree a revised timeline. It’s what I would (aim to) do in that situation, mainly because I know the sort of impact saying nothing can have.
These expectations are not always met. Which leaves me with that familiar phrase circling my brain when I am left waiting for an update. “I shouldn’t have to ask for an update, we agreed that it would be done by this date!”. Yes, I could be stubborn and wait it out. See how long it takes for the person in question to get back to me (a rather one sided game of chicken, particularly if the person has genuinely forgotten). Or, perhaps if it was within my realm of capability, I could just complete the task myself. But what would that gain? It’s my responsibility to ensure that things progress. Swallowing the bitterness, I get in touch, find out the current status, agree a plan and politely remind them that I’d appreciate a heads up next time (or a request for help) and explaining why it’s important (to me, to the success of the project), in the hope (and expectation!) that they will remember next time and this cycle won’t have to be repeated…
But of course, sometimes it is repeated! You begin to realise there might be some people who ‘need’ more regular reminders when a deadline is approaching. Sometimes when you are working with humans, you need to show or tell them how to do something more than once before it fully sinks in. And maybe you feel that you “shouldn’t have to”, and even get tempted to just do it yourself. But by taking a little extra time and effort now, in the long term it will actually help you, help them and help the project. So there’s no advantage to taking the “moral high ground”. It would just end up with more work for everyone in the future. And the last thing anyone needs in this world is more work.
Looking at it from another angle — perhaps, helping to keep someone on track, understanding their challenges and development areas and helping them improve will be noticed, appreciated by the other person, and, in turn, build a stronger working relationship. Maybe with your support, they will reach a point where the reminders and check-ins are no longer needed, which means everyone wins.
Pants for nothing
I’ve noticed that when helping to raise a child, the goalposts are continually moving. You long for them to be out of nappies so you can escape the nappy change conveyer belt, then you demand that they be able to give you longer than 3 seconds notice when they ‘desperately need to go’. You’re delighted when they first show an interest in dressing themselves, only to wish there was a fast forward button when it takes so long.
Our son has reached the point of independence where getting undressed and dressed is pretty speedy and everything goes on the correct body part and more often than not in the correct order. But there is one thing that we have struggled to train him to do(people get upset when I talk about training a child, but I think it’s an accurate term).
Every morning, he emerges from his bedroom fully dressed and every morning after he’s gone off to school, one of us enters his room to find yesterday’s underwear in the middle of the floor.
It’s not a huge deal, it doesn’t take much effort to bend down, pluck them from the ground and fling them into the laundry basket (perhaps we should incorporate these lunges into a morning exercise routine?). Which I think is part of the reason it winds me up so much. It’s so easy, so simple, it takes no time, so why do we find ourselves doing this every morning…we shouldn’t have to do this!
We’ve tried reminding him. We’ve tried sending him back upstairs to deal with them. But it just hasn’t sunk in. We might think we’ve won when on the odd day he remembers. But the next day, there they are again, lying there…mocking us. It reaches a point where we give up and stop reminding and get back to just doing it ourselves. We shouldn’t have to remind him every day for such a simple thing.
But in giving up, we are only damaging ourselves and thus completing the circle — We shouldn’t have to pick them up every day! He doesn’t care, it doesn’t even register. What we should do is be consistent, offer positive reinforcement and rewards— yes, bribery! Why haven’t I thought of bribery before?!
Okay, maybe we shouldn’t have to, but if we don’t then we will always be picking up someone else’s pants (and complaining about it!).
It doesn’t matter
Even if you think you ‘shouldn’t have to’ do something, it doesn’t matter, sometimes you do. Being stubborn is rarely the most productive path. Doing it yourself is possibly even worse. Working through your issues with the person in question, helping them to see how their action (or more likely, inaction) is affecting you and making you feel, although potentially uncomfortable, might just reduce the number of times you feel hard done by and let down. e.g. “Dearest son, when you leave your underwear in the middle of the floor every morning for me to pick up, I feel disrespected, sad and shamed.”
Consider whether your expectations have been made clear. Yes, maybe you feel like you shouldn’t have to spell them out…the other person should know from the crashing of dishes that you need help emptying the dishwasher! But if they don’t, or even if they do but are choosing to let the expectations go unmet for their own convenience, who is losing in this situation? Hint: It’s you.
What’s the alternative to asking for help, sending a reminder or otherwise stating what you feel should be unnecessary and obvious? More work by just doing it yourself? Feeling bitter and resentful? Both? These don’t seem like great options to me.
These may be situations that you can reframe in your mind as helping people to develop. That might be supporting them to complete the action by the agreed date (or set more realistic targets!), managing priorities and understanding their wider impact to the project/team/you. It might even be building the habit of putting their dirty clothes in the laundry bin.
They may not get it the first time (or second or even third) but when they do, that’s one thing off your list and a little victory. It’s one less thing for you to do. It’s a means to an end. It’s actually mutually beneficial.
One day, you might just walk into the bedroom and the lack of dirty pants brings you unbridled joy. And isn’t unbridled-dirty-underwear-induced joy what life is all about?
That’s all I’ve got.
